Survival of the Rightous
by Cygna Vamp
Summary: What if at the beginning of Survival of the Fittest the XMen and BoM got on the wrong bus and found themselves at a Bible camp? Yes, I know I'm going to Hell.
1. Default Chapter

What if at the beginning of "Survival of the Fittest" the X Men and the Brotherhood got on the wrong bus and found themselves at a Christian Bible camp? X Evolution belongs to Marvel and WB. Counselors Henry and Chip are from an Upright Citizen's Brigade sketch. They belong to Comedy Central. Yes, I do know I'm going to Hell for writing this.  
  
SURVIVAL OF THE RIGHTOUS  
  
"Welcome to Camp Kalterman!" a man in a T-shirt and shorts greeted them cheerfully. "I'm Counselor Chip and this is Counselor Henry."  
  
"Hi everyone!" said Henry. "Are you as psyched to praise the Lord as I am?"  
  
"From what Logan told me," said Evan. "I was expecting a drill seargent."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Scott. "Where are we again?"  
  
"Camp Kalterman." said Chip. "And we are going to have so much fun today! We're going to have a Bible study, a sing along, arts and crafts, and just enjoy this special day that God gave us! Doesn't that sound like fun?"  
  
"There must be some mistake." said Jean. "We were supposed to go to a survivalist camp. Camp Iron Back, I believe."  
  
"God doesn't make mistakes." said Henry. "If you're here, it's because God planned for you to be here."  
  
"Besides," said Chip. "It's not enough to survive. You have to live life to its fullest. And the only way to do that is through Jesus. Now, who wants a T-shirt?" Chip started handing out T-shirts. They were just like the ones the two counselors were wearing. White with a cross with a heart in the center. "Camp Kalterman" was printed above it in "woodsy' lettering.  
  
"Um, Counselor Henry," said Kitty. "There's really been a mistake. You see, I'm, like, Jewish."  
  
Henry patted Kitty on the shoulder. "That's alright." he said. "We forgive you."  
  
"/Forgive/ me!?!?"  
  
"Yes. You killed our Lord and Savior, but we'll forgive you because Jesus would want us to."  
  
"The Jews didn't kill Jesus!" Kitty said indignantly. "It was, like, the Romans!"  
  
"OK, everyone," said Chip. "Everyone gets a nametag and a marker. Write your name in big letters so we know who you are!"  
  
"Hey, Pietro," said Lance, as they changed into the T shirts. "Aren't you Jewish?"  
  
"My dad claims he is." Pietro responded. "But he stopped worshipping God once he decided /he/ was God."  
  
"OK," Henry said to the Brotherhood. "Let me see your nametags so I know who you are." He looked at Fred. "Sorry we didn't have a T-shirt to fit you, um, Fred." He had written the F backwards. "And we have Pietro, Lance and, um, Satan?"  
  
"That's my name, don't wear it out, yo!"  
  
"Young man, your name is /not/ really Satan."  
  
"Yeah, you're right." said Todd. "It's my dad's name!"  
  
"Don't even joke about such things!"  
  
"Satan! Satan! Satan!" Todd chanted, making the sign of the beast.(1) The rest of the Brotherhood joined in.  
  
"Here is a new name tag." Henry gave Todd the tag. "Write your real name on it and while you're at it, pray on your blasphemy."  
  
"Let's just ditch these Bible Bitches and the X Geeks." said Lance.  
  
"Nah," said Todd. "I'm already having fun!"  
  
"Alright everyone!" said Chip. "First thing we're gonna do is have donuts and Sunny Delight and have a Bible study."  
  
"Oh boy! Donuts!" said Fred.(2)  
  
The ten teenagers gathered by the picnic tables for donuts and Sunny Delight. "Let's talk about prayer." said Henry. "Prayer is a very important way to get close to God. In fact, it says in Psalms 72:15 'And he shall live, and to him shall be given of the gold of Sheba: prayer also shall be made for him continually; and daily shall he be praised.'"(3)  
  
"English, motherfucker!" yelled Lance. "Do you speak it?"(4)  
  
"Lance," Chip said warningly. "Profanity makes Jesus cry. I really think you should apologize to Counselor Henry."  
  
"No, no he shouldn't." Henry said humbly. "He should ask God for forgivness. And perhaps forgive himself for denying his spirit of a close relationship with the Lord. But, back to Psalms. '...daily shall he be praised.' Does anyone here remember the last time they prayed?" Kurt, Scott, Evan and Kitty raised their hands. "Only three of you?" Henry was disappointed.  
  
"Like, hello!" said Kitty. "/Four/ of us have our hands up!"  
  
"Jewish prayers don't count." said Chip.(5)  
  
"Hey!" Kitty was getting miffed.  
  
"Ooh, don't make her angry!" said Todd. "She'll nail you to a cross!"  
  
"It was the Romans!" said Kitty. "The Romans totally killed Jesus!"  
  
"Ok," said Henry. "Let's start with Evan. Evan, when was the last time you prayed?"  
  
"'Bout last week." he shrugged. "See, I was riding my board down the railing at Dead Man's Curve. I was perfecting my mad skills on the double whammy when I slipped and started going over the cliff. I was all 'Oh God, don't let me die!' Well, here I am. Got some nasty road rash, though. Wanna see?"  
  
"That's...not nescessary, Evan." said Chip. "Scott, when did you last pray?"  
  
"Ten years, six months, four days." he said bitterly.   
  
"That's a very long time to be without God, Scott." said Henry.  
  
"Yeah, well, it's a long time to be without your parents too." Scott replied. "We were in an airplane. Something went wrong-I don't know, engine failure, I guess. Mom gave me and my brother, Alex, the only two parachutes and made us jump. The whole time I was falling I prayed to God to save my family. He effectivly said 'screw you' and rolled over and went back to sleep."  
  
"Scott," Kurt said gently. "Just because one prayer goes unanswered doesn't mean there is no God."  
  
"Sure." Scott said bitterly. "There's a loving God looking out for us. I believe that like I believe Alex is alive and well and soaking up rays in Honalulu and my parents were, I dunno, abducted by aliens or something."(6)  
  
"Scott, you should listen to Kurt." said Chip. "Kurt, when did you last pray?"  
  
"Last night." He answered.  
  
"Give us a hug!" Henry said joyfully. Kurt cautiously made sure Henry didn't make contact with his fur. "Kurt, tell us, what did you pray for?"  
  
"Nothing, really." he shrugged. "Just thanked him for another day and asked him to bless my family and friends. I really shouldn't be talking about it, though."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because it says in Matthew that you're not supposed to."(7)  
  
Chip took a pocket-sized New Testament out of his shorts pocket. He skimmed the first few pages. "Son of a gun, he's right!" said Chip.  
  
"Kurt," said Henry, taking a page of stickers from his pocket. "You get a Precious Moments sticker for daily prayer and another for knowing your Bible!"  
  
"Danke, I think." The two stickers he was awarded with depicted children with manga eyes and saccherine smiles.   
  
Chip brought out a guitar. "Alright, everyone, gather around!" The young mutants gathered in a semi circle as Chip tuned his guitar. "Let's sing a song about Jesus!" He began to play and sing. "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, Red, brown, yellow, black or white, they are precious in his sight," He paused. "C'mon, sing along with me! Kurt, I was hoping at least you would join in."  
  
Kurt shrugged sheepishly. "The only church songs I know are in German."  
  
"Great!" said Chip. "That means you get to learn a few in English. From the top!" Everyone groaned as Chip reprised "Jesus Loves the Little Children." Kurt raised his hand.  
  
"Counselor Chip," he said. "Jesus loves the little blue children too, right?"  
  
"Well, Kurt," said Chip. "I suppose if there were blue children, then, yes. Jesus would love them too." Kurt beamed.  
  
"Shyeah, right." Todd snorted. "He obviosly doesn't love the little green children."  
  
"Aw, Jesus loves you, Todd." Kurt put a hand on his shoulder. "It's the rest of us who think you're an asshole!"  
  
Todd snapped. He whipped a sharpened screwdriver out of his pocket and homicidally screamed "I'm gonna smash you beyond your expiration date and launch you into deep space!!!"(8)  
  
Kurt deftly dodged Todd's attack.  
  
"Whoa, whoa!" said Counselor Henry. "You can't do that! Todd, give me the screwdriver."  
  
"Sure," he said. "just as soon as I finish disemboweling this fuzzy gecko!"  
  
"Now why would you call him that?" said Counselor Chip. "Kurt's not fuzzy at all!" Kurt, of course, was wearing his inducer.  
  
"Todd," said Counselor Henry. "I think you should ask yourself, What would Jesus do?"  
  
"He would use his Fists of God to lay the Holy Smack Down on the poor son of a bitch who pissed him off! That's what he'd do!"  
  
"No, Jesus was non violent." said Counselor Chip. "It says in Matthew 5:39 '...whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.'"  
  
"Yeah," said Todd. "Anyone who pimp slaps me is getting the business end of my Phillips!"  
  
"Um, excuse me." said Kurt. "But Jesus could get violent at times. Later in Matthew he drove the moneylenders and gamblers out of a church."(9)  
  
Counselor Henry consulted his pocket sized New Testament. "Whadaya know? He's right! Here, Kurt, have another sticker!"  
  
"Wait just a durn minute." said Rogue. "First Jesus says not to fight and to forgive people, then he goes and has a coniption fit over some gambling? How much damn sense does that make?"  
  
"You know what?" said Chip. "I think we should all go on a nature hike."  
  
Henry and Chip led the teens on a nature hike through the woods. "Listen," Kurt said to his friends. "I just want you to know that not all Christians are like this."   
  
"We know, Kurt." said Scott. "We know not all Christians are jerks."  
  
"Yeah," said Evan. "Every religion has a few jerks in it."  
  
"Isn't this great?" said Henry. "Here we are in the fresh air surrounded by the Good Lord's creation. Look at those oaks. Every single one of them started out as a tiny acorn. Isn't that a miracle?"  
  
"Actually," said Jean. "It's simply natural science. If a seed is given proper nutrients then naturally it will grow into whatever plant it's supposed to be."  
  
"Now, Jean," sighed Chip. "What would the world be if everything were boiled down to scientific explanation?"  
  
"Um, simplified? Understood?" she suggested.  
  
"Maybe." said Chip. "But much less spiritual. Remember, one can't serve God /and/ science. It was God who created all that you see. He watches out for every little sparrow."  
  
"Except for the one I just stepped on." said Scott, whiping his boot on the ground. "Ugh."  
  
"Look at that butterfly." said Henry. "Its wings are so frail and delicate, yet God makes it so that it can flutter about without a care. It's a miracle that something so fragile can be alive." A long sticky tongue ended said fragile life.  
  
"Todd," Fred scolded. "You didn't even say grace!"  
  
"It's gone on to a better place, yo." said Todd. "My stomache." Todd had a great idea. "Hey, does this mean that every bug I've ever eaten is in Heaven, so if I go there, I can eat them all over again?"  
  
"First off," said Kurt. "That's a very big 'if'. Second, I'm not sure bugs go to Heaven and if they do, it's probably not the same Heaven people go to."  
  
"Yeah," said Evan. "Who wants to go to Heaven if it's full of flies buzzing around?"  
  
"I do!" said Todd.   
  
"Say, Todd," said Chip. "Would you mind telling us how you just did that?"  
  
"Whoa, busted, man." said Lance.  
  
"I guess we have to tell you." Jean sighed. "We're mutants."  
  
"What exactly do you mean, mutants?" asked Henry.  
  
"Well, it means we developed differently than other people. An albino or a four leafed clover are classic examples of mutations. According to Darwin, mutations are a sign of a species' evolution."  
  
Henry turned pale and grabbed his head as if dizzy. "Counselor Chip," he said, "please tell me that Jean did not say the E word."  
  
"I'm affraid she did, Counselor Henry." said Chip.  
  
"Jean," Henry pleaded. "For the sake of your soul, renounce that dreaded E word!"  
  
"Evolution?" She shook her head. "But it's based on scientific knowledge. Life began with the primordial soup. From it formed algae and simple celled organisms. The dinosaurs roamed the Earth for 20 million years. From the Archeopteryx evolved the birds and small mammals evolved into primates, into Homo Hablias, to Homo Erectus, to Neanderthal to Cro-magnon..."  
  
Henry wept as she spoke. Chip tried to comfort him. "Henry, she doesn't know any better. The public school system has her brainwashed. Jean, that's not what happened at all! God created the world, all the animals and Adam and Eve in just seven days."  
  
"Do you honestly expect me to believe that the 5 billion people who live on this planet descended from just two people?" asked Jean.  
  
"I'm going to have to do this." wept Henry, taking up a stout branch.  
  
"Don't you dare touch her!" Scott stood in front of Jean, hands touching his red shades.  
  
"Oh, I won't strike her." said Henry. "What I'm going to do is whack myself on the head as hard as I can with this branch untill Jean renounces the lie of evolution and embraces Creationism!"  
  
"No, Counselor Henry!" said Chip. "Don't do that!"  
  
"I must!" he said. "It's what Jesus would do!"  
  
"No he wouldn't!" said Kurt.  
  
"Here I go!" Henry started beating himself on the forehead with a thick, heavy branch.  
  
"Jean," Chip pleaded. "Please, all you have to do is recant what you've said."  
  
"I'm not going to lie about my beliefs just to keep this moron from injuring himself!"  
  
"Here, Counselor Henry." said Lance. "Use these rocks instead!"  
  
"OK!" Henry took the two large stones Lance gave him and pounded them against his own head.   
  
"This is evolution in action!" Jean argued. "Counselor Henry's actions effectivly decrease his chances of finding a mate, or even living long enough to find a mate. Therefore, he won't conceive and his masochistic genes won't be passed to the next generation."  
  
"AAAAAAHHHH!!!" screamed Henry. "She said the E word again! Lance, Pietro, I want the two of you to take turns kicking me in the groin as hard as you can!"  
  
"OK." Pietro gave Henry a swift kick to the groin. Henry screamed in pain. Lance gave him a hard kick. Many of the boys winced in sympathy.   
  
"Jesus never did this!" Kurt protested. Pietro and Lance continued kicking.  
  
"Well, my point's been proven." said Jean.  
  
"Counselor Henry," said Chip. "It's time for us to head back to camp for an hour of prayer and meditation. Perhaps that will bring Jean over to the path of rightousness."  
  
"Perhaps it will." squeeked Henry.  
  
"OK," Chip said when they got back to camp. "Time for prayer and meditation. Since you didn't bring your Bibles, we'll lend you some." He started handing them out. "We don't have enough to go around, so you may have to share."  
  
Fred opened his to Genesis and tried reading the first line. "In, the, buh-be..." He pointed the word out to Todd.  
  
"Beginning." he read.  
  
"Oh." said Fred. "In the be-gin-ning God c-cree..."  
  
"Sound it out." Todd encouraged.  
  
"Cree-ted the hee-ven and the, the...ah, reading is hard!" He tossed the book aside. Todd picked it up and flipped through it randomly.  
  
"Whoa, check this out, yo!" he said. "Those dudes that followed Jesus around? One of 'em was on drugs, yo!"  
  
"They most certainly were not!" said Henry.  
  
"It's here in black and white, fool." Todd pointed out the heading of a passage. "See? it says 'Paul is stoned.'"(10)  
  
Kurt slapped his forehead. "That means he had stones thrown at him, you idiot!"  
  
"Kurt," said Chip. "Did Jesus call people names?"  
  
Kurt sighed. "No, he didn't."  
  
"I think you should tell Todd you're sorry." said Henry.  
  
"OK," said Kurt. "Todd, I'm sorry you're an idiot."  
  
"Dude, that joke's older than your mama!" said Todd.  
  
Chip got between them. "Boys, boys," he said. "Let's all be friends, OK?"  
  
"Ah, screw this." Todd wandered off. He couldn't stand being around those self rightous Bible bitches for another moment. He hopped down a hallway. He soon found a kitchen area. Maybe I can get something to drink, he thought, opening the refridgerator. Butterflies always make me thirsty. He saw a milk jug holding a reddish-purple liquid marked "Bug Juice". Sounds good. Todd popped off the top and took a swig. Don't taste like bugs. It tastes like...Kool Aid? He took another swig. Mix of grape and cherry, he decided. Not bad. He drank some more. If there was cyanide in it, I'd probably be dead by now.   
  
While Todd guzzled the Bug Juice, Chip and Henry were trying to get the others into prayer. "C'mon, a little prayer never killed anybody." said Chip.  
  
"You all have such a great opportunity to learn about God!" said Henry. "Even Kurt here. Untill today, he only knew German church songs, but we taught him one in English."  
  
"Kurt, why don't you teach us a song?" suggested Chip. "Maybe one in German?"  
  
"Well," Kurt didn't like being put on the spot like this. "One of my favorites isn't in German, it's in Latin."  
  
"Why would a song be in Latin?" asked Henry.  
  
Kurt shrugged. "You may have heard of it. It's called 'Ave Maria.' It's played a lot at Christmas."  
  
The counselors shook their heads. "Oh, Kurt," Chip said mournfully. "We had such high hopes for you."  
  
"Vas?"  
  
"Kurt," sighed Henry. "Idol worship is a grievious sin."  
  
"Vas? What idol worship?"  
  
"Mary did her job." said Chip. "But God is the only one you should pray to, and then only in Jesus' name."  
  
"Catholics don't pray to the Virgin, they pay her homage!" Kurt was starting to guess how Kitty felt about these two.  
  
"Kurt," said Henry. "I'm going to have to ask for those stickers back."  
  
"Take them!" Kurt flung the Precious Moments stickers at the counselor.   
  
"Look," said Scott. "We really don't belong here. We got on the wrong bus!"  
  
"This is all part of God's plan, Scott." said Chip.  
  
"Right." said Scott. "Just like it was God's plan for my whole family to die. Every day little kids, mothers and fathers die while God sits back and does nothing."  
  
"It's like this, Scott." said Henry. "God allows evil in the world because of Original Sin. Eve was tempted by Satan to eat of the Fruit of Knowledge, which God specifically told her not too. And then she led Adam down the same path of sin."  
  
"Oh, sure." said Jean. "Eve just shoved that apple down Adam's throat, didn't she?"  
  
"I ain't no preacher or nothing." said Rogue. "But isn't punishing people for something someone else did eons ago kinda, I dunno, wrong?"  
  
"God is never wrong, Rogue." said Chip.   
  
"But I think..."  
  
"You didn't come here to think. You came here to praise the Lord."  
  
"For the last time," said Scott. "We didn't mean to come here!"  
  
"Alright," said Henry, clapping his hands together. "Let's all go to the cafeteria and have lunch, OK?"  
  
The buffet table in the cafeteria was laden with sandwiches, salads, chips and cookies. "Who wants to say grace?" asked Chip.  
  
"Grace!" shouted Fred, heading for the buffet.  
  
"Fred," said Henry. "Gluttony is a sin. And you should pray on that."  
  
"But the food looks so good!" Fred protested. "By the way, what are the rest of you gonna eat?"  
  
"Would anyone else care to say the blessing?" asked Chip.  
  
"Bless the meat and damn the skin!" said Evan. "Open your mouth and cram it all in!"  
  
"Amen!" shouted the rest of the hungry teenagers. They all started grabbing food.  
  
Kitty filled a styrofoam bowl with salad. Pietro loaded ham sandwiches on his plate. "Um, Pietro," said Kitty. "Aren't you, like, Jewish too?"  
  
"I belong to a special denomination that allows the eating of pork." he replied.  
  
"Special denomination, huh?" Kitty was skeptical. "You know, I don't believe I've ever seen you at synagogue."  
  
"Oh, the denomination I belong to doesn't require going to services. I like to sleep in on the weekends."  
  
"Pietro, just admit it! You totally don't follow Judaism at all!"  
  
"Nope, but I get to eat all the ham I want and you don't!"  
  
"I'm, like, a vegetarian. I don't eat anything that once had a face."  
  
Pietro took a big bite of his sandwich and swallowed. "That'll do, pig." he said, rubbing his belly. "That'll do."(11)  
  
"Like, eew!"  
  
"I saw it first, dude!" said Evan.  
  
"Did not!" said Kurt.  
  
"What seems to be the trouble, boys?" asked Henry.  
  
"Evan tried to take my brownie!" said Kurt.  
  
"No way!" said Evan. "It's mine!"  
  
"Evan," said Henry. "Coveting and stealing are both sins that you should pray on. And Kurt, what do you think Jesus would do in this situation?"  
  
Kurt thought it over. "He'd turn it into two brownies!"  
  
"No, Kurt." Henry sighed.  
  
"He fed 5,000 people with a few fish and some bread.(12) Why can't he do that with brownies? That way, his friend could have one and he could have one!"  
  
"That's not what he'd do." said Henry.  
  
"Why? Doesn't Jesus like brownies?"  
  
Todd hopped in. "Hey, yo." he greeted. Fred offered him some Doritos. "No thanks, yo. I'm full." He had odd red stains on his face and shirt.   
  
The two counselors came back from the kitchen. "Alright, everyone." Chip said sternly. "We were going to see a movie after lunch, but instead, I want everyone to gather onto the basketball court."  
  
Everyone gathered on the basketball court. "It has come to our attention," said Henry. "That someone snuck into the kitchen and drank our entire supply of fruit punch also known as bug juice. We are going to let the perpetrator have a chance to confess their sin. Jesus forgave, so we shall do no less."  
  
"Amen." said Chip.  
  
"Can't we just watch a movie, yo?" asked Todd, seemingly oblivious to the stains on his face and shirt.  
  
"Untill someone confesses, Todd," said Henry. "No one is going to be doing anything." Todd sighed, took a rubber band out of his pocket and started playing with it.   
  
"Would anyone like to confess?" asked Chip. No answer. "Anyone?"  
  
"So be it." said Henry. "I am going to run laps around the court until someone confesses."  
  
"No Counselor Henry!" said Chip. "Kids, Counselor Henry has a weak heart! He could die!"  
  
"Maybe /someone/ should do something." Jean hinted as she glared at Todd.  
  
"Counselor Chip!" Henry said as he ran in place. "Give me those weights I brought from the gym!"  
  
"No, Counselor Henry!" Chip pleaded, holding up two dumbells. "Not the ten pounders!"  
  
"I must!" he responded. "This is what Jesus would do!"  
  
"No he wouldn't!" said Kurt as Henry ran laps around the court.  
  
"Like, isn't it totally obvious?" asked Kitty. "It was Todd! Todd drank the bug juice!"  
  
"Kitty," Henry panted. "You killed Jesus. So who are you to judge?"  
  
"I didn't kill Jesus! It was the Romans!" Kitty yelled out in frusteration.  
  
"Oh sure," said Todd. "Blame everything on the Romans."  
  
"Counselor Chip," Henry panted. "Get me the ankle weights!"  
  
"No, Counselor Henry!" Chip pleaded even as he strapped the weights to Henry's feet. "Not the ankle weights!"  
  
"Can we watch /American Pie/ now?" asked Todd.  
  
"We are never going to see /American Pie/!" said Chip. Henry started running around the court, pumping the ten pound weights.  
  
"Oh, for the love of God!" said Evan. "It was Todd! Todd drank the bug juice!"  
  
"Evan," Henry panted. "Taking the Lord's name in vain is a sin and you should pray on that!"  
  
Todd stood up. "I have a confession to make, yo!" he said.  
  
Henry stopped running. "Good, Todd." he panted. "I'm really glad to hear that."  
  
"I confess, that I'm really, really bored, yo. And I need to shoot some hoops."  
  
"Now, Todd." said Chip. "I think you should pray on that. And ask Jesus what he would have you do." Todd bounded across the court and picked up a stray basketball. "Todd," said Chip as Todd did a few dribbles. "Did you pray to Jesus on that?"  
  
"Yeah, Jesus said take it to the hole!" Todd shot a basket.  
  
"No he didn't!" Chip tried to take the ball from Todd, but he just kept making more baskets, taking advantage of his leaping ability.   
  
"Alright!" said Henry. "I am going to keep running while Counselor Chip runs along side of me and sprays insect repelant in my face!" He took a can of bug spray out of a bag and tossed it to Chip.  
  
"No, Counselor Henry!" Chip begged. "Don't make me do this!"   
  
"It's what Jesus would do!" Chip sprayed Henry in the face.  
  
"Jesus never did this!" Kurt protested.  
  
"That idiot's gonna kill himself!" said Scott.  
  
"I did it, OK?" yelled Jean. "I drank the bug juice!"  
  
"Jean," said Chip. "Everyone knows you wouldn't do something like that!"  
  
"By lying," said Henry. "You have sinned before God. And you should pray on that! Counselor Chip, I want you to get some glass bottles out of the recycling bin and throw them down in my path! I will walk on broken glass until someone confesses!" He took off his shoes as Todd helped Chip get the bottles.  
  
"This is insane!" said Kurt.  
  
"But it's entertaining." said Lance.  
  
Todd assisted Chip in breaking bottles at Henry's feet. Henry wailed in agony as he ran over the shards of glass. Chip wept for his friend. The mutant teenagers shook their heads in disbelief. Suddenly, Todd started crying. "Counselor Henry," he sobbed. "I don't want you to run on broken glass any more!"  
  
Henry consolingly put his arms around the small boy. Todd accepted the hug. It made it so easy for him to steal his wallet. "Todd," Henry wept. "I'm so proud of you! Are you ready to confess now?"  
  
"Y-yes," Todd pretended to whipe away tears as he pocketed the stolen wallet. "I don't want you to run on broken glass! I want you to run on hot coals like the freak at the fair!"  
  
Everyone groaned. "Everyone!" said Henry. "Line up and form a gauntlet. When I run through, punch me in the stomache as hard as you can! Jesus did this!"  
  
"No he didn't!" Kurt protested.  
  
Todd kept moving down the line, taking whatever opportunity he could to kick or punch Henry. Fred was at the end of the line and socked Henry rather hard. The counselor was flat on his back. "Ah, I barely tapped him!" said Fred.  
  
Chip knelt down by Henry and took his head in his arms. "Counselor Henry," he wept. "Please stop before you really get hurt!"  
  
"Not untill someone confesses." Henry panted. He looked up at Todd. "Todd, did you drink the bug juice?"  
  
Todd nodded yes but said "No." Henry passed out.  
  
Chip weepingly performed CPR on Henry, begging God not to take him. The others gathered to watch. "Even thought he's, like, an anti-semitic jerk and everything." said Kitty. "I still think it would be a bummer if he, like, died."  
  
"I know how you feel, yo." said Todd. "I'm Jewish too."  
  
"Really? I've never seen you at synagogue." Kitty frowned. "Let me guess. You belong to the same denomination as Pietro. The Eat Pork and Don't Go to Worship denomination."  
  
"Actually, I'm a Dyslexic Jew."  
  
"A Dyslexic Jew?"  
  
"Yeah, why do you think I say 'yo' all the time?" Kitty groaned and buried her face in her hands.  
  
  
  
Should I write more? My husband says I should write about what happened to the kids who were supposed to go to Camp Kalterman and wound up at Camp Iron Back instead. Truth is, those kids are a bunch of boring goody-goodies with the exception of one boy named Raymond who acts a lot like Todd. I'm open to suggestions.   
  
For the record, I'm a former Southern Baptist. (Graciously submit my ass!) And here's the notes. Skip 'em if you want, but please R&R.  
  
(1)Here's how to make the Sign of the Beast. Bend your middle and ring fingers down to cross your palm. It will look like you're saying "I love you" in American Sign Language. Bend your thumb across said fingers. Now bang your head and scream "Ozzy rules!"  
  
(2)My brother once went to a Bible club at school just because they had donuts and Sunny Delight. He didn't stay with them long.  
  
(3)I'm using the King James Version if you want to read along.  
  
(4)This line is from /Pulp Fiction/.  
  
(5)Don't blame me. Blame Rev. Jerry Falwell. According to him, God doesn't hear Jewish prayers. He also thinks homosexuals and feminists destroyed the World Trade Center.  
  
(6)The Irony! Remember, this was before "The Cauldron" so Scott doesn't know that his brother is alive and well in Hawaii. In the comics, their parents /were/ abducted by aliens!  
  
(7)Matthew 6:5 and 6:6 say that prayers should be more or less secret.  
  
(8)Check out "What Is Your Battle Cry?" at http://bdmonkeys.net/~chaz/battle.php. Type in a character's name and the appropriate gender and you'll get their battle cry and weapon of choice. This seemed perfect for Toad. For some reason, Nightcrawler gets a thorn whip.  
  
(9)Matthew 21:12 if you want to read about it.  
  
(10)Acts 14:19. Paul gets stoned. Some angry villagers throw stones at apostle Paul until he's knocked out and leave him outside the city gates for dead. His desciples help him.  
  
(11)This line is from /Babe/.  
  
(12)Each of the Gospels tell this story. Matthew 14:13-21, Mark 6:31-44, Luke 9:11-17 and   
  
John 6:1-13 


	2. Salvation of the Fittest

OK, cuz most of you wanted it, here's a short story about the kids who were supposed to be at  
  
Camp Kalterman and wound up at Iron Back by mistake.  
  
"Welcome to Camp Iron Back, maggots!" shouted Sgt. Hawk. "You will not be making wallets,  
  
key chains or tie racks. You will not be going on pony rides, potato sack races or water balloon   
  
fights. I am Sgt. Hawk and you will answer to me! Do I make myself clear?"  
  
A girl with blonde pigtails raised her hand. "Sgt. Hawke?" she asked. "We were supposed   
  
to go to Camp Kalterman. I think we got on the wrong bus."  
  
Hawk stalked over to the girl. "And what's your name, Miss Maggot?"  
  
"M-Meryl."(1) she stammered.  
  
"Meryl what?"  
  
"Meryl Poehler."  
  
"Meryl Poehler what?"  
  
"Do you want my middle name?"  
  
"I don't give a rat's patoot what your middle name is! When you address me, Meryl Poehler,   
  
you will call me sir! Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"When's movie time?" asked a boy with shaggy blond hair.  
  
Hawk stalked over to the boy. "What is your name, Maggot?"  
  
"Raymond Walsh. But my friends call me Ray. Uh-sir."  
  
"Well, I am not your friend so I will continue to address you as Maggot! Will that be a   
  
problem?"  
  
"N-no sir." said Ray.  
  
"What we will be doing is running an obsticle course! Move it! Move it!"  
  
"Aren't we gonna have donuts and Sunny D?" asked Meryl.  
  
Hawk glared at her. "Do you really want donuts, Miss Poehler?"  
  
"Uh, I guess not, sir."  
  
"Does anyone else want donuts?"   
  
"Sir, no, sir!" chorused the not so happy campers.  
  
"I'd like a donut." said Ray.  
  
"I suppose you would, Maggot! Obsticle course! Now!"  
  
The campers were to climb a rope and slide down to a raft docked by the river. One weakling   
  
of a camper couldn't get more than a foot up the rope. "What is your major malfunction, Numbnuts?"(2)  
  
Hawk demanded.  
  
"P-please, sir," he said. "I'm asthmatic."  
  
"I know how to get him to climb the rope." said Ray. He took a lighter out of his pocket   
  
and set the rope on fire. The asthmatic kid scurried up the burning rope in record time.  
  
"Thank you very much." said Hawk. "Can I be in charge now?" (3)  
  
"Um, Sgt. Hawk, sir?" said Meryl. "We're not supposed to be here. We were supposed to go   
  
to Bible camp."  
  
"Oh, you were? And just what were you going to do at Bible camp?"  
  
"Um, nature hikes, sing alongs, arts and crafts, learning about God..."  
  
"I am your God! You answer to me! Run the obsicle course! Now, now, NOW!"  
  
The Bible camp kids stumbled over each other as they tried to complete the obsticle   
  
course. "That was pathetic!" said Hawk. "You are worthless and weak!(4) I know just the thing to   
  
get you goody-goody Bible bunnies into shape! You will climb Mt. Humiliation! You will bring back   
  
the flag planted there! We'll just SEE if your God helps you!"  
  
"C'mon, everybody!" Meryl said enthusiastically to her friends. "If we work together and   
  
help each other, we can bring that flag back in no time!"  
  
"Meryl's right!" said the asthmatic kid. "Let's do this!" The kids went skipping up the   
  
mountainside.  
  
"Michael row the boat ashore!" they all sang as they skipped. "Hal-lay-loooo-yah! Michael   
  
row the boat ashore..." Ray lagged behind, unenthusiastically following the other kids.  
  
When they got to the top of the mountain, they raced for the flag. A roaring sound of   
  
wind filled the air. A great black craft hovered before them. The updraft whipped at their clothes   
  
and hair. Some kids stood awestruck. Some fell to their knees and prayed. Ray pointed and said   
  
"What the heck is that thing?"  
  
From the top hatch emerged a white haired woman with dusky skin and a cape that furled   
  
dramatically around her trim frame. "X-Men," she said athoritavly. "The Professor and Mystique   
  
are... you're not the X-Men."  
  
"Are-are you an angel?" asked Meryl.  
  
"Hardly." said Storm. She smiled wryly. "I am a goddess."(5)  
  
Ray noticed an open hatch on the craft. It was so close to an outcropping of rock. Could   
  
he possibly stow away on this magnificent craft?  
  
"I'm looking for some friends." said Storm. "They were supposed to come here to Camp Iron   
  
Back."  
  
"W-we were supposed to go to Camp Kalterman," said Meryl. "Miss Goddess, ma'am. M-maybe   
  
they were sent there, by mistake."  
  
"I shall look there then." said Storm. She reentered the Blackbird. It lifted vertically   
  
above the stunned children and streaked away into the sky.  
  
I'll write more about our heros soon. Thank you for your reviews. I don't believe I've ever gotten   
  
so many in just a few days. One told me about a friend who was forced to convert from Catholicsism   
  
to Baptist while visiting a "friend's" youth group.  
  
Someone else said they liked the Todd/Kurt interaction and said they were for this ship. Um, I had   
  
Todd try to kill Kurt! I'm not completly closed minded about T/K shipper stories, but I don't find   
  
them feasable. For one, they hate each other, for another, they both seem pretty much straight.  
  
I prefer to think of them as a comedy duo the way they take potshots at each other. Think about it.   
  
Would Abbot and Costello work as a romantic couple? Well, it would give a whole new meaning to the   
  
phrase "Hey, Abbooooooot!" Actually, Kurt and Todd would be more like Jack Lemmon and Walter   
  
Mattheau respectivly. Here's a quick sketch I call Grumpy Old Mutants.  
  
(Kurt and Todd are 70 years old and sitting on rockers on the porch of the X Mansion, watching   
  
some kids play on the lawn.)  
  
Todd: Moron.  
  
Kurt: Putz.  
  
(Todd rocks in the chair, Kurt's tail gets caught under the rocker.)  
  
Kurt: That was my tail, you smelly old coot!  
  
Todd: You gray furred freak! (Hits him with a cane. Kurt punches him. They start fighting.)  
  
Kid with blue fur: Nana Kitty! Gran Marie! Grampy Todd and Opa Kurt are at it again!  
  
The Notes:  
  
(1) In the Upright Citizen's Brigade sketch the girl's name was Meryl. Her last name and Ray's   
  
are that of the actors who portrayed them.  
  
(2)This line is from /Full Metal Jacket/.  
  
(3)Also from /Full Metal Jacket/.  
  
(4)Line from the end of "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister.  
  
(5)Marvel cannon. Storm was worshipped as a goddess in Africa.   
  
As usual, X-Men belong to Marvel and WB. Upright Citizen's Brigade belongs to Comedy Central. 


	3. WWJD?

"Alright, kids," said Chip. "We're going to make 'What Would Jesus Do?' bracelets. As you can see, we have boxes full of everything you need to make a bracelet. We have letter beads, be sure to take two W's, one J and a D. You take one of these leather thongs and string the beads on in that order."  
  
"Counselor Chip," said Kitty. "I think using leather is, like, wrong."  
  
"Well, we think killing Jesus was wrong."  
  
"For the last damn time, it was the Romans!" she screamed.  
  
"They made Kitty swear." Kurt whispered to Scott. "That's not good."  
  
"Alright, everyone," said Henry. "Let's make some bracelets!"  
  
Counselor Chip looked at the bracelet Todd was making. "Todd, I think you have one W too many."  
  
"That's not a W, yo." he said. "I turned it upsidedown, so it's an M."  
  
"WWMJD?"  
  
"What Would Michael Jordan Do?" responded Todd. "And Michael Jordan would take it to the hole! Sniff you jerks later!" Todd got up and left.  
  
"Kitty," said Henry. "I noticed you've turned your W upsidedown too."  
  
"Well," she said. "Since I don't belive Jesus was, like, the messiah or whatever, I thought it would be totally cool to, like, make a 'What Would Moses Do?' bracelet."   
  
"And I suppose Kurt here made a 'What Would Mary Do?' bracelet."  
  
"Nein," said Kurt. "I made mine 'What Would Jesus Do?'."  
  
"Say, Kurt," said Kitty. "Wasn't Jesus, like, Jewish?"  
  
"Ja, of course he was Jewish." said Kurt. "He lived at home until he was 40 and his mother thought he could walk on water."  
  
"That's almost as bad as the joke Todd told me about being a Dyslexic Jew." Kitty groaned.  
  
"Hey," said Evan. "Did you know Mary had PMS?"  
  
"She did not." Kurt protested.  
  
"It says in the Bible," said Evan. "Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem." Kurt groaned.  
  
Meanwhile, Todd was shooting some hoops. "And Jordan passes to Tolensky," went the sports fantasy in his head. "He fakes left. He jumps right over Manute Boll's head and he slams it!" Todd hung off the rim of the hoop for a moment before leaping down. "And the crowd goes wild! Groupies mob Tolensky! Eat that, Roddman!" Todd snapped out of his fantasy. Shooting hoops got tired after a while with no one to play with. He decided to have another look around the camp grounds. He found a bucket next to a hose spigot. The bucket was full of water balloons that all had "Jesus Saves" printed on them. Todd grinned evilly. He was going to have some fun.  
  
The counselors had the teenagers outside. "We're going to have a potato sack race." said Counselor Chip as Counselor Henry passed out the burlap bags. "I trust you know how to do this. You'll hop to that big oak and back. The winner gets a Precious Moments sticker!" Suddenly, a latex bomb exploded on the back of his head, drenching him. "Who threw that!?" Chip demanded. He turned to see Todd with a bucket of water balloons.  
  
"It wasn't me, yo!" said Todd. "It was a drive by baptism!"  
  
"Todd," said Henry. "You'd better hand those balloons over to me."  
  
"You can have my water balloons when you pry them outta my cold dead hands, yo!" He threw one at Henry. To everyone's surprise, Henry started jerking as sparks flew from his head.   
  
"Henry!" screamed Chip. "Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Henry thrashed around on the ground as sparks flew from his body. When he finally lay still, Scott cautiously approached him. Suddenly, Henry's chest exploded, drenching Scott with dark red fluid. He whiped the fluid from his shades with the back of his hand and looked at the counselor's gaping chest. Sparking wires stood out in a tangle. "He- he was a robot!" Scott exclaimed.  
  
"N-no," stammered Chip. "Henry was not a robot!"  
  
"Cyborg, more likly." said Scott, trying to clean himself off with the burlap bag.  
  
Chip dropped to his knees by Henry's side. "No! It's not possible! God wouldn't allow this!"  
  
"Hey," said Rogue. "How do we know he ain't a cyborg?"  
  
"One way to find out." said Kurt. He took a candy bar out of his pocket and threw it at Chip. He barly managed to dodge it.  
  
"What was that for?" Chip demanded.  
  
"Aha!" said Kurt. "You flinched. that means /you/ are a cyborg because everyone knows cyborgs don't like food!"  
  
Todd hit Kurt with a water balloon. His inducer shorted out, revealing his wet furry self.   
  
"DEVIL!!!!!!" screamed Chip. He huddled by Henry's body and trembled.  
  
"Now, see what you've done!" Kurt said angrily to Todd. Todd blew him a raspberry. Rogue hit Todd with a water balloon.  
  
"Hey, I just had a shower last month!" said Todd. "Who threw that?" Rogue whistled innocently. "Oh, you wanna play games, girly?"  
  
"Mmmmaybe."   
  
He threw a balloon at her. She ducked. It hit Jean...square on the chest. "Nice bra." commented Kurt. Jean seized the bucket of baloons and hurled one at Kurt. Kurt ported out of the way. The balloon hit Scott, who had been staring open mouthed at Jean's damp bosom.  
  
"Look alive, Summers!" Lance shouted as he pelted Scott with a water balloon. Pietro zipped about at top speed, dousing everyone he could with a water balloon.   
  
"Eew!" cried Kitty. "My hair is like, totally damp now!" She threw a balloon at Pietro. He dashed out of the way, causing Fred to get hit. Before long, everyone was throwing water balloons at each other as Chip huddled into a ball and muttered Psalm 23 to himself.  
  
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..."  
  
"Cuz I'm the biggest son of a bitch in the valley!" injected Todd, slamming the traumatized counselor with- you guessed it- a water balloon.   
  
The wind picked up as a low hum droned over head. "STOP THIS AT ONCE!" a woman's voice commanded. Chip looked up to see an angel descending from the sky. Her snow white hair whipped in the wind. Amazingly, the teenagers heeded the angel's commands, even the blue devil.  
  
"The Professor and Mystique are under attack by Juggernaut." said the angel, as she landed on the ground. "We must hurry!" She took a device out of her pocket and pressed a button. A large obsidian-black aircraft lowered straight down from the sky untill it hovered a mere foot off the ground. The angel shepherded the ten heathens aboard. Chip flung himself at her, hugging her knees.  
  
"Thank you, Angel!" Chip cried. "Thank you for saving me from those Godless heathens!" Ororo sighed and rolled her eyes. Not again, she sighed. "Please, Angel, speak wisdom to me so that I may better serve Our Lord!"  
  
"God is coming soon." she said. "And SHE is very angry." With that, she pushed the counselor off her legs and entered the Blackbird.  
  
EPILOGUE  
  
Mystique returned to the boarding house. It had been a hard day. The superintendent was coming by for an inspection any day. A knife fight had broken out in sixth period and both parties had parents who believed their children were perfect angels. Plus, there was the budget and Magneto was riding her ass again. The last thing she needed was to walk into the living room of the boarding house and see a strange 14 year old human.  
  
Yet that's what she saw. Some ratty haired young boy was on the couch watching MTV with Toad.   
  
"Who is that?" she demanded.  
  
"Oh, hi Boss Lady." said Toad. "This is Ray."  
  
"Hello." said Ray.  
  
"Ray stowed away on the Blackbird when we came to rescue you an' Baldy from Juggerface. I've kinda adopted him as my kid brother."  
  
"GET OUT!" Mystique screamed, slamming open the door. 


End file.
